These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
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Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.