Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night