I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?