Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?