If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging