dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...