Texts From Last Night · uncle_toms_dildo's Favorites

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uncle_toms_dildo's Favorites Texts:

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

Fav 9 2731 832
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(209): View more from California

I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.

Fav 11 2540 922
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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

Fav 5 2810 1327
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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29985 1753
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

Fav 11 1339 4556
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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

Fav 20 1722 4467
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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

Fav 38 7685 1910
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(301): View more from Maryland

Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night

Fav 45 3885 1034
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