Texts From Last Night · uncle_toms_dildo's Favorites

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uncle_toms_dildo's Favorites Texts:

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

Fav 9 2731 834
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(209): View more from California

I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.

Fav 11 2541 923
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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

Fav 5 2810 1329
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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29988 1755
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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

Fav 11 1340 4558
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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

Fav 20 1725 4467
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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

Fav 38 7686 1912
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(301): View more from Maryland

Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night

Fav 45 3885 1036
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