Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.