pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Dating After Heartbreak
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight