my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.