I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....