awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.