THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.