i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
