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Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
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