Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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