Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
