How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.