How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.