So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
