Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?