I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall