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Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
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