Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
