just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.