Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
