In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?