Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.