I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.