I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
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the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
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At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.