Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.