I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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