I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dating After Heartbreak
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.