Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
