Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg