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so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
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