you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave