Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this