But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
