There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
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The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...