If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?