I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.