Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
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I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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