i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.