OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dating After Heartbreak
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!