The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it