I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.