I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.