I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know