I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know