In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dating After Heartbreak
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.