Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
