The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.