I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.