I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.