I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
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Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
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Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?