I need moral support for this bender
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.